J.Crew: Burnished Linen Skirt Review

I need to preface this post with the following: I try to write reviews in a fairly neutral tone.  Even if I really don't like something, I try to talk about it in terms of my positives and negatives, and try not to be too harsh - after all, we don't all have the same taste, and I think it's better to hold my tongue rather than offend someone who likes a certain garment.  But I can't really do that this time.  I'm creating a new tag - Nienawidze - which means I hate in Polish.  I apologize to those of you are offended by the use of the word "hate"; I use that word to mean that I really don't like something (I feel like I may have mentioned this before, too).  Either way, consider yourself warned - I freaking hate this skirt, and I'm not going to be kind to it.

So moving on.  I believe that this is J.Crew's Burnished Linen Skirt (item #14805).  According to the tag from the skirt, I tried on item #16928; however, they look nearly identical, and are both the same price, so for now, I am going to say they are the same.  The skirt online is available in a brass color, and the one I tried on in-store appears to be the infamous light pewter.  The skirt is numerically sized.  J.Crew describes the monstrosity skirt as such:

A dressed-up take on a cargo style, in special Italian linen from the venerable Crespi mill (the oldest weaving mill in the world). The patinated effect is achieved by a closely guarded metallic-foil process. Slight A-line shape with inverted pleat in front. Sits just below waist. Belt loops and patch pockets with button closure. Back zip. 17" long. Import. Dry clean.

Poor Crespi mill.  The oldest weaving mill in the world is now a partner in a terrible fashion crime.  I tried this skirt on a size 4.  I tried it on because I was curious if it was as ugly on as it was on the hanger.  The skirt does fit fairly true-to-size, but if you're wary of the slit up the front and want it to lie flat, I would suggest sizing up.  As you can see from the skirt, it's fairly wrinkly on the bottom, which is almost always a concern with stiffer linens.

The fabric is a lightweight linen, and is on the rougher side.  It certainly was not smooth or soft to the touch.  There is a bit of an underlying metallic sheen to the skirt - this probably gives it that coveted "burnished" look.  I noticed that the brass color lends itself to more of a faux-leather look, but that's not the case for the light pewter.  The length on this skirt is nice - a nice cross between a too-short mini skirt and a too-long-for-shorties regular skirt.

I mean, where do I even begin?  I'll start with the slit.  I don't understand it.  J.Crew describes it as an inverted pleat, which apparently is code for our designers got drunk, started playing with scissors, and made a really ugly prototype, and now you're stuck with the eyesore of a result.  This is the second skirt where my eye is invariably drawn to my private lady parts.  The slit stops RIGHT THERE, and even in my regular size 4, the slit refuses to lie closed, gaping open, as if it wants to show everyone what's lurking beneath.

Now on to the pockets.  Just hideous.  I think I mentioned in a previous review that I prefer on-seam pockets for skirts, simply because front-loading pockets are much more prone to adding bulk to the midsection.  Well, if that's the look you're going for, J.Crew has taken care of that for you on two levels: deep, off-seam pockets, and a weird non-functioning patch pocket to top off each skirt hogging pocket.  The placement of the pockets is a little low (and a lot ugly) - look how awkwardly my hand is in the pocket in the picture below.  The fake patch serves no purpose, and I think it makes it look almost like you've put your skirt on backwards.

I also think the belt loops are gratuitous.  While a belt might help to distract from the rest of the skirt, I wouldn't want to draw any attention to the skirt at all.  And could a belt really make this skirt any better?  I think the beltloops were one detail too many.

I don't think I even need to tell you that I left this behind.  Normally when I don't like something, I can usually chalk it up to an okay idea, but lacking in design or execution, but this skirt is an exception.  There is not one thing I like about this skirt.

So now I'm very curious - what do you think?  Do you like this skirt?  If you do, please, please share your view!  Is there anything you would change about this skirt that you think would make it wearable?